He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant.

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Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat 'I want you each to keep your eye on this Antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotists fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

'Crap!' said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

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I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct.

It was fun for me, so I continued.

At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'

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The bar tender says, "We don't serve your type."

The mushroom says, "Why not? I am a fungi."

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Slim says, "Heck, I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really? Like a baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just pooped my pants."

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At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license.

At age 35 success is . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . .. . having a driver's license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

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His wife took one look out the window and said "Honey, it's completely sunny outside, not a cloud in the sky, and the weather man said there's a zero per cent chance of rain"

Rudolph replied "No, honey, it's going to rain."

After a long argument, the sky started pouring rain. Rudolph simply gave his wife a smirk and said, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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A: A small medium at large.

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2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had relations with on the pool table with all my buddies watching?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

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